I like the way you rub the back of my neck. I’m sorry I didn’t drink the tea you made me. I’m sorry I rolled away when I was sleeping and you were trying to tell me you loved me. I like the way your heartbeat feels on my back, and the jolts of your legs in your sleep. I like the way your breath moves over my neck when you snore.
I miss you even when you’re around.
Not as weird anymore. At least I don’t think. But there’s still a tension, though it’s there with everyone. Sometimes I need to withdraw, I just can’t stand it. I want to sleep. I don’t want to talk to people, I want to sleep silent and not wake up until I’m rested. Which is never. So fuck it, I guess.
I want silence to hit me like a steel wall. I want to float in it. I want to walk down a long silent corridor, I want it to be plain. I want it to be simple. I want to sleep, and let this perpetual morning fog fade from the corners of my head.
Tomorrow is Jamie’s birthday. I will be happy, I will give him his presents and kiss his skin and feel his warmth. I will be happy, and I will kiss him. I will be happy for him.
Things have been better lately. I think. I’m not sure. I try not to think about it anymore, it doesn’t do me any good. Life has been one foot in front of the other for a while now, and there’s no light at the end of the tunnel yet but I’m getting used to it. And I’m not too sure about that either.
Jamie’s birthday is on Thursday, he’s 15 now. I have a lot of doubts, about being good enough, about being fair and kind. Because I know that when we argue, I’m not. I’m ridiculous. It embarrasses and shames me to think about it.
So that’s been a common theme lately, not thinking. Not thinking about things. Not trying to be conscious. My consciousness is a thick oily river, and I’m sitting at the bottom. I want it to be like those dreams that I have where I sit under the water, and stare up, breathing well. But it’s not like that, I am looking up at nothing and breathing through a long straw that sometimes gets clogged with pollution.
I guess that sometimes it’s good to not think. To lay under the radar.
But what I’ve been wanting more than anything, is nature. I want a spring so beautiful that I feel my spirit pulsate. I need a change, I need something.
I think things have been better lately, though. I’m not sure.
